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It was just any ordinary day in the modern world of ninjas that lay hidden underneath the regular humans' noses. Lily was out enjoying the day with her beloved husband, James. They were both top ninja's from the same village in the Radula Forest that lay hidden deep within. It was Valentine's Day and they were enjoying the day by going to the nearby carnival in town. They had some cheesy rides like the Tunnel of Love and the Ferris Wheel of Dreams. They rode them all though, just enjoying each other's company while they were being watched but they didn't notice.
If only they had been on their guard more then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Lily was walking home with James and they were just at the border of the forest when out of nowhere James pushed Lily away just as a sound of bullets fired. Then the sound of a body falling down to the ground was heard. Lily opened her eyes and saw her beloved on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He was unlucky and wasn't able to dodge the last one that was aimed near Lily. He was coughing up blood and his golden tan skin was looking a sickly pale. Lily scrambled over to him and placed her jacket under his head to support his neck to allow easier air flow.
She knew it would take to long for her village's medical ninja's to get there. So she did what her training had told her to do when there was no medical staff around. She ripped some of her skirt until it was barely coving her butt, and began wrapping it around his torso and made sure to make it tight to stop the blood. She gave hushed whispers of comfort and James had nodded every once in a while to show he was still there mentally. She had already texted her friend to get the medical ninjas out there a.s.a.p. About half an hour later the medical ninjas had shown up and were able to stabilize him to carrying him back to the village. He had woken up later that night to see the relieved face of his wife Lily. She leaned in and cupped his check in her hand and stared into his eyes before kissing him softly on the lips. "Sorry for ruining the day." James spoke with a raspy voice. "No, it wasn't your fault. I'm just happy you're still alive." Lily said as she crawled up next to him and felt where his wound was. She gasped as it was no longer there. James noticed her face and grasped her hand and told her that they had to seal the wound completely.
She and James then had been just sitting there cuddling up in each other's warmth and then James had suddenly broken the silence when he started coughing violently. Lily jumped up and turned around and started pressing the emergency button like crazy until some nurses came in with the doctor. They ushered her outside and began running around shouting orders at each other. Lily had then begun walking around impatiently outside the door. It was about 2 hours later when the doctor had come out to give her the grave news. James had been poisoned and would die within the hour. She didn't cry from shock of hearing the unbelievable news. She walked in to her husband and feel to her knees at his side and held his hand tightly thinking that if she held on he wouldn't leave her. James looked at Lily with eyes full of love and compassion. "I-I love you." James said as he shakeidly caressed her face before slowly closing his eyes with that small smile on his face. The tears then spilled over and she grasped his now growing cold hand. "I l-love you too." Lily managed out before breaking down in sobs.
After James had died, Lily had never re-married swearing to her friends that he was still with her and that there love was ever lasting and would never end even when one was gone. She soon grew old and had raised many children that she had adopted. She wasn't able to tell him before he died that she was pregnant. She was going to tell him before he got shot, but now she knows that he was watching her as she had struggled through her painful pregnancy. When she was in labor she was told she had twins but the first one had died five minutes after she was born and she had thought that she had gone to be with her father. Her only daughter left from her husband looked just like her father and had his forest green eyes and umber brown hair. Lily had grown old while adopting many kids so her daughter had many brothers and sisters. When she finally breathed her last breath she had smiled seeing her 18 year old baby girl who had died and her beloved husband waiting for her at heavens gates.
If only they had been on their guard more then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Lily was walking home with James and they were just at the border of the forest when out of nowhere James pushed Lily away just as a sound of bullets fired. Then the sound of a body falling down to the ground was heard. Lily opened her eyes and saw her beloved on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He was unlucky and wasn't able to dodge the last one that was aimed near Lily. He was coughing up blood and his golden tan skin was looking a sickly pale. Lily scrambled over to him and placed her jacket under his head to support his neck to allow easier air flow.
She knew it would take to long for her village's medical ninja's to get there. So she did what her training had told her to do when there was no medical staff around. She ripped some of her skirt until it was barely coving her butt, and began wrapping it around his torso and made sure to make it tight to stop the blood. She gave hushed whispers of comfort and James had nodded every once in a while to show he was still there mentally. She had already texted her friend to get the medical ninjas out there a.s.a.p. About half an hour later the medical ninjas had shown up and were able to stabilize him to carrying him back to the village. He had woken up later that night to see the relieved face of his wife Lily. She leaned in and cupped his check in her hand and stared into his eyes before kissing him softly on the lips. "Sorry for ruining the day." James spoke with a raspy voice. "No, it wasn't your fault. I'm just happy you're still alive." Lily said as she crawled up next to him and felt where his wound was. She gasped as it was no longer there. James noticed her face and grasped her hand and told her that they had to seal the wound completely.
She and James then had been just sitting there cuddling up in each other's warmth and then James had suddenly broken the silence when he started coughing violently. Lily jumped up and turned around and started pressing the emergency button like crazy until some nurses came in with the doctor. They ushered her outside and began running around shouting orders at each other. Lily had then begun walking around impatiently outside the door. It was about 2 hours later when the doctor had come out to give her the grave news. James had been poisoned and would die within the hour. She didn't cry from shock of hearing the unbelievable news. She walked in to her husband and feel to her knees at his side and held his hand tightly thinking that if she held on he wouldn't leave her. James looked at Lily with eyes full of love and compassion. "I-I love you." James said as he shakeidly caressed her face before slowly closing his eyes with that small smile on his face. The tears then spilled over and she grasped his now growing cold hand. "I l-love you too." Lily managed out before breaking down in sobs.
After James had died, Lily had never re-married swearing to her friends that he was still with her and that there love was ever lasting and would never end even when one was gone. She soon grew old and had raised many children that she had adopted. She wasn't able to tell him before he died that she was pregnant. She was going to tell him before he got shot, but now she knows that he was watching her as she had struggled through her painful pregnancy. When she was in labor she was told she had twins but the first one had died five minutes after she was born and she had thought that she had gone to be with her father. Her only daughter left from her husband looked just like her father and had his forest green eyes and umber brown hair. Lily had grown old while adopting many kids so her daughter had many brothers and sisters. When she finally breathed her last breath she had smiled seeing her 18 year old baby girl who had died and her beloved husband waiting for her at heavens gates.
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T.T Yeah I know. I made kids at my school cry.
© 2012 - 2024 LotusKoi
Comments1
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Hello! Team 30 checking in from 
, let’s get critical!
First of: You create a nice concept of modern ninjas, which at first reminded me of Naruto (sorry!), and the characters seem very well developed. You start off with establishing their relationship straight away, telling the readers that they are married, eliminating any confusion about their feelings towards each other. For a short story like this, it’s almost essential! So well done, you’ve managed to clamber over that first hurdle nicely. No confusion, let’s get on with the interesting stuff.
I especially enjoyed reading this due to the characters, as you managed to get across their emotions and feelings well without needing to write long descriptions. However, this does make them seem a little one-dimensional, like they were only created to just fulfil the need for this story, similar to characters that are just created to be with another. This makes them a little hard to relate to as their thoughts are not included, and it made it sometimes hard to gauge their reactions.
The narration of this story reminds me of fairytale style, with a straight-forward, simple voice telling the reader what is happening. This is good and written well, but I have to admit, it didn’t add anything to the story itself. I think, seeing as this is an emotional tale, would be improved and really made intensely emotional if you wrote it in a third-person point of view or first person, with scribed thoughts and feelings, as well as descriptions of the scene. Like you, I’ve written quite a few death scenes where a loved one has to say goodbye to their dying partner, and here’s a short example so you know what I’m talking about:
Extract from my FF Cybernetix
The floor opened up beneath her when she saw him. He was lying next to her, the dagger sticking out of his stomach. He turned his head to stare at her, eyes wide, mouth gasping for air. Everything around them stopped. The world slowed to a grey blur, the bolts of fire and Jet’s shouts fading to an echo around them. Smellerbee pushed herself up, dragging herself over to Longshot’s body. He looked up at her, tears lacing his eyes. “Hey,” he whispered.
“No...” Smellerbee reached out and touched the dagger, just to make sure it was real. “No...baby, please, please don’t...” she whispered, her voice thick.
His head lolled to the side, and she caught his cheek, propping his face upwards to look at her. “Take...it out...” he pleaded.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded shakily. She grasped the dagger firmly, leaned over and kissed him, wrenching the dagger out. He yelled in pain, blood pouring from the wound. She ripped off the end of her sleeve and pushed it down on the wound. “We have to...so you’ll...” her voice broke and choked off. She felt a faint pressure on her arm. She looked down and saw Longshot’s hand resting on her skin. “Please don’t go...” she begged, tears running down her face.
Longshot smiled faintly, blood running down the side of his lips. “I...can’t...I’m sorry...I’m so...” his voice rasped as he took a deep, painful breath. “...sorry, ‘bee...” his voice trailed off.
“No,” Smellerbee stroked his forehead gently, his blood leaving a red line across his skin. “No, don’t be...it was my fault,” she swallowed. “I didn’t mean...”
“Ssh,” he whispered. “I know.” His hand found hers and squeezed it tightly. “I...I’m really...glad that...I got to spend...my life with you.” He managed a shaky smile, eyes beginning to cloud.
Smellerbee wrapped her arm around his shoulder and lifted his body up to rest on her lap. “No...don’t...you’re gonna be fine, I promise,” she choked. “Don’t...”
Longshot took in a deep breath. He could feel himself beginning to slip away. “I...I love you...” he gasped, almost not able to see her.
Smellerbee leaned down and kissed him, a sweet, tender touch on his lips saying everything words couldn’t. “I love you too,” she sniffed and smiled down at him. Her tear fell on his cheek as his last breath rose out of him, carrying his soul away. She screwed up her eyes, clutching his body tightly. She rocked it back and forth, crying more tears than she thought she could ever have in her. There weren’t enough tears in the world to match her sadness. Her heart began to beat again. Slowly at first, but soon pounding loudly in her ears. She gently lowered Longshot’s body to the ground, and reached down and closed his eyelids.
This is very similar to the scene where Lily has to stop her husband’s bleeding I just noticed! Same brain… Anyway, so you can see I use a lot of description when writing death scenes for two reasons: 1. Because that’s my style, and 2. It makes people cry. You mentioned in your comments that you made girls at your school cry with your story, so well done! Maybe you could try experimenting with a different style of writing to see if you can really make them bawl. Harsh, but it really improves your rep as a writer!
Of course, the narrative style could be a deliberate choice for this story, and you wanted no description, which is fine. But you might want to add a little bit just to pull the readers in!
The only other thing that could be improved on was the occasional grammar mistakes, such as “ninja’s” when referring to the plural, where it should be just simple “ninjas” with no apostrophe. Also new paragraphs whenever a character speaks, even if you’ve been talking about them previously. E.g.
She walked in to her husband and feel to her knees at his side and held his hand tightly thinking that if she held on he wouldn't leave her. James looked at Lily with eyes full of love and compassion.
(New paragraph!)"I-I love you." James said as he shakeidly caressed her face before slowly closing his eyes with that small smile on his face. The tears then spilled over and she grasped his now growing cold hand.
(another new one!) "I l-love you too." Lily managed out before breaking down in sobs.
Simple stuff, yet makes the world of difference. To help you with this, have someone check over your work or proofread it yourself to make sure it looks as professional as possible. Anyway, I hope this feedback was helpful to you! Sorry it was so long…I get carried away. If you need any more help then feel free to ask!
, let’s get critical!First of: You create a nice concept of modern ninjas, which at first reminded me of Naruto (sorry!), and the characters seem very well developed. You start off with establishing their relationship straight away, telling the readers that they are married, eliminating any confusion about their feelings towards each other. For a short story like this, it’s almost essential! So well done, you’ve managed to clamber over that first hurdle nicely. No confusion, let’s get on with the interesting stuff.
I especially enjoyed reading this due to the characters, as you managed to get across their emotions and feelings well without needing to write long descriptions. However, this does make them seem a little one-dimensional, like they were only created to just fulfil the need for this story, similar to characters that are just created to be with another. This makes them a little hard to relate to as their thoughts are not included, and it made it sometimes hard to gauge their reactions.
The narration of this story reminds me of fairytale style, with a straight-forward, simple voice telling the reader what is happening. This is good and written well, but I have to admit, it didn’t add anything to the story itself. I think, seeing as this is an emotional tale, would be improved and really made intensely emotional if you wrote it in a third-person point of view or first person, with scribed thoughts and feelings, as well as descriptions of the scene. Like you, I’ve written quite a few death scenes where a loved one has to say goodbye to their dying partner, and here’s a short example so you know what I’m talking about:
Extract from my FF Cybernetix
The floor opened up beneath her when she saw him. He was lying next to her, the dagger sticking out of his stomach. He turned his head to stare at her, eyes wide, mouth gasping for air. Everything around them stopped. The world slowed to a grey blur, the bolts of fire and Jet’s shouts fading to an echo around them. Smellerbee pushed herself up, dragging herself over to Longshot’s body. He looked up at her, tears lacing his eyes. “Hey,” he whispered.
“No...” Smellerbee reached out and touched the dagger, just to make sure it was real. “No...baby, please, please don’t...” she whispered, her voice thick.
His head lolled to the side, and she caught his cheek, propping his face upwards to look at her. “Take...it out...” he pleaded.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded shakily. She grasped the dagger firmly, leaned over and kissed him, wrenching the dagger out. He yelled in pain, blood pouring from the wound. She ripped off the end of her sleeve and pushed it down on the wound. “We have to...so you’ll...” her voice broke and choked off. She felt a faint pressure on her arm. She looked down and saw Longshot’s hand resting on her skin. “Please don’t go...” she begged, tears running down her face.
Longshot smiled faintly, blood running down the side of his lips. “I...can’t...I’m sorry...I’m so...” his voice rasped as he took a deep, painful breath. “...sorry, ‘bee...” his voice trailed off.
“No,” Smellerbee stroked his forehead gently, his blood leaving a red line across his skin. “No, don’t be...it was my fault,” she swallowed. “I didn’t mean...”
“Ssh,” he whispered. “I know.” His hand found hers and squeezed it tightly. “I...I’m really...glad that...I got to spend...my life with you.” He managed a shaky smile, eyes beginning to cloud.
Smellerbee wrapped her arm around his shoulder and lifted his body up to rest on her lap. “No...don’t...you’re gonna be fine, I promise,” she choked. “Don’t...”
Longshot took in a deep breath. He could feel himself beginning to slip away. “I...I love you...” he gasped, almost not able to see her.
Smellerbee leaned down and kissed him, a sweet, tender touch on his lips saying everything words couldn’t. “I love you too,” she sniffed and smiled down at him. Her tear fell on his cheek as his last breath rose out of him, carrying his soul away. She screwed up her eyes, clutching his body tightly. She rocked it back and forth, crying more tears than she thought she could ever have in her. There weren’t enough tears in the world to match her sadness. Her heart began to beat again. Slowly at first, but soon pounding loudly in her ears. She gently lowered Longshot’s body to the ground, and reached down and closed his eyelids.
This is very similar to the scene where Lily has to stop her husband’s bleeding I just noticed! Same brain… Anyway, so you can see I use a lot of description when writing death scenes for two reasons: 1. Because that’s my style, and 2. It makes people cry. You mentioned in your comments that you made girls at your school cry with your story, so well done! Maybe you could try experimenting with a different style of writing to see if you can really make them bawl. Harsh, but it really improves your rep as a writer!
Of course, the narrative style could be a deliberate choice for this story, and you wanted no description, which is fine. But you might want to add a little bit just to pull the readers in!
The only other thing that could be improved on was the occasional grammar mistakes, such as “ninja’s” when referring to the plural, where it should be just simple “ninjas” with no apostrophe. Also new paragraphs whenever a character speaks, even if you’ve been talking about them previously. E.g.
She walked in to her husband and feel to her knees at his side and held his hand tightly thinking that if she held on he wouldn't leave her. James looked at Lily with eyes full of love and compassion.
(New paragraph!)"I-I love you." James said as he shakeidly caressed her face before slowly closing his eyes with that small smile on his face. The tears then spilled over and she grasped his now growing cold hand.
(another new one!) "I l-love you too." Lily managed out before breaking down in sobs.
Simple stuff, yet makes the world of difference. To help you with this, have someone check over your work or proofread it yourself to make sure it looks as professional as possible. Anyway, I hope this feedback was helpful to you! Sorry it was so long…I get carried away. If you need any more help then feel free to ask!